My Ego

Is everyone the same wander, the night before embarking on a holiday for a few days – awake – tossing –  turning – seeking to convince yourself that you have everything in hand, have organised well and will not have forgotten anything.

Sleep eludes you – or at least it did me last night.

Here I was, as usual almost fully packed the night before. The past couple of days filled with lists, gathering up piles of belongings, books, maps, booking forms etc. and shopping for basic food supplies.

Surely nothing will be left at home that is so important. It’s not as if we’re going aboard. I have no need to worry over passports, visas or ready money, in fact really no need to worry about anything. We’re not going to be miles away from civilisation. We’ll be able to purchase almost anything we might need – so why – why did I toss and turn so much?

I guess isn’t really about being worried or concerned – probably more about my ego. I pride myself on being organised, on remembering to pack whatever we might need. It’s a sign of failure if I have forgotten something – certainly not the end of the world or even something likely to spoil our holiday.

Ego! Surely something we all struggle with. Wanting to be right – wanting to be well thought of – valued – praised.

Maybe this is one of the ways I seek to boost my ego – for a lot of the time the way I view and value myself is not terribly high – so maybe I unconsciously do things in order to boost that image – to make me look smarter – in control.

Strange beings aren’t we really – at least that’s my opinion. Striving to be better, which in itself is not  bad thing – but – so often the striving is in order to appear better to others. By that I mean that so often my own opinion of myself is not very high and how I see myself is not necessarily how I wish others to see me – so – I seek to portray myself in more positive ways.

Maybe this is nothing to do with ego – I’m not exactly sure – but what I do know is that I want others to see my strengths and not so much my weaknesses. So – I strive and seek not to let down, even through the mundane activity of packing a few things for a few days away!

Oh well – morning has broken – and with it a sense of acceptance. We’ll set off in a while and enjoy every minute of our holiday – even if I did forget to pack something.

No big deal really.

Maybe I need to remind myself of that the next time we plan to go away.

 

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